Your Source For Mockery Judaic

This post is only somewhat food-related.

Last night, we got a copy of the Jewish Source catalog. We receive this catalog because a thoughtful relative gave us a gift from it for our wedding, a gift that bears a resemblance to a certain Nazi-vaporizing artifact, so much so that, despite its attractiveness and clear utility, we fear to use it with our eyes open. Although the Nazi-vaporizing effect of this item may be that we now get the catalog every month, which is filled with all sorts of amusing items that we will never, ever buy.

So, taking a page from Chris Sims's Invincible Super Blog and its mockery of a comic industry trade publication, I will proceed to lampoon the most amusing items from the Jewish Source:

• The already out-of stock Rosh Hashana gift basket: only one shofar cookie. It's a big cookie, but the kids will be fighting over it regardless. Also, since it looks like everything else is pareve, why include the one box of milk chocolates?
• If I said, "Jews with access to lasers," you'd think that it would be awesome, right? Sadly, not so much. Too many Jews use their lasers to create incomprehensible glass knickknacks. Also trivets. If a right-wing Jew says that we have to do something aggressive to Iran, tell him that Jews like him should stop doing stupid crap with their lasers and actually use them how lasers were meant to be used.
  
• For a long time, my favorite inappropriate Kabbalistic item from the Jewish Source was this seemingly H.P. Lovecraft and Japanese animation-inspired hamsa print, which I believe is crafted solely for the purpose of putting into children's and teenagers' rooms to freak them out and make them paranoid. But, in fact, you can do one better with a glass sculpture that makes the Jewish deity appear to be a poorly-rendered Sauron from the Lord of the Rings.
• Nothing says "I ♥ Kahanist politics" as much as an Israeli Defense Force bullet necklace.
• Speaking of, when your Israeli Defense force magen david amulet starts looking like some sort of Hindu fertility symbol, or possibly yet another H.P. Lovecraft-themed item, maybe it isn't really Jewish anymore.
• I told the Sherbs that these rings would be much more meaningful as piercings, and that we should get a pair. She pretended to laugh and humor me while desperately looking for an exit to the conversation and the room.

There are some useful and attractive things in the Jewish Source catalog. But they're far outnumbered by stuff like the above.