Diced Tomatoes = Improv Food Awesomeness

I have now improved two improvised meals with diced tomatoes, and I come sharing my newfound wisdom.

1) "Real America" Tuna a la Tomato

As everyone knows, left to my own devices, I eat horrible things. This is why, since we had a coupon long ago, a box of Tuna Helper stood on our shelf in the pantry. I decided to make it for at-work lunches.

After a horrible experience with Hamburger Helper and Morningstar Farms Grillers (tastes like a very bad idea), I resolved always to add other things to "Helper" meals so that they have some taste and nutritional value.

This time, on top of Costco canned sliced mushrooms, I added a can of diced tomatoes, as well as the sauce packet.

The result: not bad. The diced tomatoes turned a plain cream-saucy dish (I used skim milk) into something closer to an Italian pasta. Definitely edible.

2) The Pedant Succeeds With Goat Cheese

Today, the Sherbs and I managed to find ourselves with an unplanned dinner, so I promised to make something. I had in my head the Amateur Gourmet's blog post about a penne alla vodka recipe from Lydia Bastianich, the Sherbs's favorite WETA Create food personality.

It was, of course, horrible with cold and rain outside, so we didn't want to buy anything. Which meant that we had no cream and no vodka.

However, after an excellent risotto last week, we had some leftover goat cheese. This was the inspiration.

I started with a can of Muir Glen diced tomatoes, which Cook's Illustrated considers the best brand of canned tomatoes, and a can of Hunt's diced tomatoes with random junk in it, which Cook's Illustrated did not rank highly but was on sale when I was stocking up on emergency pantry goods at the Teet (did you make out like a bandit on triple coupon weekend? We did!). Added to that the remainder of some vegetable stock, a healthy dump of garlic powder, Italian seasoning, and grated parmesan, not to mention more canned mushrooms, and it started to seem like sauce.

Then, in went the cheese and two small spoon scoops of low-fat sour cream. It creamed up just enough for true tastiness when we added the Barilla Plus rigatoni (I was too lazy to reach back further on the shelf for penne). The Sherbs and I both liked it a lot.

Party Aftermath

Okay, time to take the bumper magnet off the car; election's over, don't need people to know who I voted for through Christmas.

Sadly, The Sherbs did not become a member of the Arlington County School Board, even though I wrote her in; she was outvoted by 30,000 and 40,000 votes, respectively, by the two incumbents (and only people on the ballot). Maybe next time.

As for the party itself, the foods worked out. The pizza was very tasty, mostly thanks to Costco - adding Dole pineapple chunks and fake ham didn't ruin it, although the cheese didn't get as brown as I would have liked. The Vietnamese rolls were pretty good, although not as good as party food as I'd have hoped; rice paper is not a tortilla, it sort of sticks and stretches as you eat it, so you really need a fork. Wegman's makes great honey roasted peanuts.

I drank a bottle of Brooklyn Brewery's Black Chocolate Stout, which is sort of a Presidential election tradition for me. It is my favorite chocolate-flavored beer.

Things I Learned This Week

1. Hamburger Helper made with textured vegetable protein is edible, but not tasty, when warm. It is inedible cold.
2. An iPod touch cannot be operated with one's hands when one is wearing fleecy gloves. It can be operated by nose touch, but with iffy accuracy. Also, you look stupid.
3. I think the slow cooker bread pudding recipe was only fair; we'll make the stuffing with faux sausage again, though.
   

Brownish Food is Goodish Food

So, yet another good recipe has come out of Vegetarian Times . This month, they did a "spring cleaning" pantry recipe series, which is where we got the Chickpea Stew recipe from (since every good veggie has cans and cans of chickpeas and some (not me!) have cartons on butternut squash soup). They did a Baked Beans Huevos Rancheros as a recipe. It intrigued The Pedant so last night I made it for dinner. Here's the recipe basically:

6 oz. soy "churizo" (used soy sausage instead)
1 cup salsa
1 diced chipolte in adobe sauce (used 3)
30 oz baked beans, drained
6 eggs
6 tortillas.

Cook ingredients together until warm, place in baking dish, crack eggs, bake 13-15 minutes (really 20 if you like your eggs better done). Serve with tortillas.

Honestly, I was worried. Baked beans!? Really? While cooking I remained wary - it was all a brownish color with no life to it.

The prognosis: AMAZING. Like, oh my God, may we lick the pan and risk the burning of our tongues amazing! It was the perfect comfort food: easy, filling, tasty, aromatic, warm, proteined, and delicious. If you ever come to a brunch hosted by me and TP you may expect this.

Now, on another topic - Diet Coke. I wanted to buy Diet Coke for work toady (since I was working 1-9, I knew I needed a pick me up). I went to the store near the metro and paid - get this - $1.39 BEFORE tax. WTF?! It's diet friggin coke!

Two Dishes of My Own Creation

I haven't blogged often enough, and certainly not about food, so let me tell you about two recent food inventions of mine (and no, they are far better than the stuff on Trashy Eats).

SATURDAY BREAKFAST: Deli-Style Egg & Cheese "Tartine"

Took a halved segment of whole wheat baguette, toasted both halves in toaster oven. While doing this, sauteed red onion and fresh mushroom. Set aside. Fried egg over hard, melted one of the remaining fat-free American cheese slices on top. Made two strips of fake bacon.

Half an egg with cheese, bacon, and sauteed onions and mushrooms topped each toasted baguette half. Sauced lightly with ketchup. Ate open-faced.

Pretty tasty, if I say so myself.

MONDAY DINNER: Asian Something

The Sherbs was coming home late on Monday, which put me in the solo seat for food preparation, but we also had a standing order to get rid of our remaining tofu before it went bad and to use some of the garlic, because we bought a bag of bulbs at Costco, not realizing that they are packaged there in a quantity more for vampire prevention than for the timely supply of garlic to a couple who do not work in food service.

I realized that, having made a trip to a Fairfax County Asian grocery, that I also had preshredded nori, soba (Japanese buckwheat noodles), and a bag of lotus root. My course of action was clear-

• Mince garlic
• Put garlic in pan with mixture of Kikkoman low sodium teriyaki sauce and San-J Szechuan sauce; heat
• Start water for soba
• Cube tofu, cut lotus root into quarter-rounds
• Cook tofu and lotus root in sauce/garlic mixture, stirring until coated
• Cook soba
• Drain soba
• Put soba in bowl
• Put cooked tofu and lotus root, which have basically absorbed all the sauce, on top of soba
• Sprinkle on shredded nori and sesame seeds
• Get lazy about vegetable side dish and use one of those Bird's Eye Steamfresh pouches that I bought at the Teet because we had a coupon

The Sherbs and I both thought it was mighty tasty, but today I realize that, had I just done a little internet search, and stopped by the Teet for some kale, I could have used even more garlic, plus parmesan cheese. Now, I get the powdered stuff in the green Kraft bottle (also from Costco), but if Germany can call it "parmesan," so can I.

Faux Burger Time!

Last night was a party for "the awards show," whose name I do not mention because the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has registered it, just as the National Football League compels me to refer to their football championship as "the Big Game" unless I have their express permission (at least they've backed off on preventing churches from showing the Big Game).

The Sherbs and I had a party for the show. We made many foods tenuously (but amusingly) themed on various nominated movies. I was responsible for vegetarian mini-cheeseburgers, which were related to this year's winner for Best Original Screenplay.

The mini-burgers were facilitated by shopping trips to both Costco and the Teet. The ingredients:

• Martin's Famous Potato Dinner Rolls
• Dehydrated chopped onion
• Original flavor Boca Burgers
• Kraft fat free American cheese slices

First, I sliced the Boca burgers in fourths after a little defrosting. I won't defrost them next time; they get gooey and almost as bad as raw meat (which is no good because ground chuck is so much tastier). I then cooked the burger fourths, melting the cheese on top, and reserved them for later.

In a small bowl, I placed the dehydrated onions in water and let it sit for a while as I was cooking the burgers. I also halved the rolls and lightly toasted them in the toaster oven.

Once all the cheese patties were done, I laid the toasted burger bottoms a large Pyrex cooking plate. I then put on a small amount of the rehydrated onion, topped it with the cheese patty, and finished it with a bun top. I put the Pyrex into the oven at 250 degrees for ten minutes, then left it on "Warm" until the party.

The verdict: more White Castle-y than I was hoping for - actually pretty tasty. Might add a pickle slice or finish with ketchup next time; the burger can take the extra flavor.

My Expertise Is Needed Again!

So, while we were expressly not blogging, the Sherbs and I were checking out the naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan in New York magazine (gaze upon her works, and despair!). They are "tasteful" nudes, by which we mean "recreating a Marilyn Monroe photo shoot so it's plausibly art." Still, she's starkers.

My takeaway from this was that Lindsay Lohan has many, many freckles. If you see a picture of her without freckles, it's been airbrushed. This is what I have learned.

According to Radar magazine, there may have been some "confusion" as to what the pictures would be used for - as in, someone expected to be only in a museum, and instead got to be on every newsstand in the Five Boroughs (and delivered to the homes of people who like to think they still live there, like us).

As everyone knows, I once wrote a published academic article on this very subject. Yet, for some reason, no news organization is calling me up.

In other news, the bok choy was made according to Cook's Illustrated's basic recipe, but with the addition of Morningstar Farms' "steak" strips. It was tasty awesome.

Book Recommendations, Etc.

I have just recently acquired a copy of James Lileks's Gastroanomalies, the sequel to his modern classic The Gallery of Regrettable Food, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is hilarious.

I do not just say that so that Lileks's lifestyle, which is that of a stay-at-home dad who makes extra cash by posting funny things on the internet, is still available for me in twenty years. Lileks's witty mockery of bad food concepts of yesteryear (although, I must confess, I am tempted in an inexplicable way to want to try the corned beef in beef-flavored gelatin) is as good as it ever was (unlike, say, Toby Keith).

Currently, the Sherbs and I are trying a Grand Chili Experiment in the slow cooker. We put in corn, beans, two cans of tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, a small can of mild chili peppers, mustard powder, cayenne pepper, red pepper flakes, garlic powder, half of a large onion, one whole bell pepper, and a whole mess o' TVP. We set the slow cooker on "forever" last night, and we'll see, come dinnertime, how it all turns out.

"Beef," but real Broccoli

First things first: if you're hankering to extend your life, or even to become a Guild Navigator, Crate & Barrel is selling the spice Melange. Buy now before the Harkonnens corner the market!

Last night's dinner: a Chinese ampersand fest; hot & sour soup (from Fresh From the Vegetarian Slow Cooker, prepared by the Sherbs) and "beef" & broccoli (where I was lead chef, using Morningstar Farms "Steak Strips" and sauce from my memory).

The Sherbs's soup was an unmitigated success; replacing the vegetable broth with soup made from, as my mom says, "little pareve chickens" made the soup taste more along the lines of the Chinese original, which probably uses a meat broth most of the time. We could have added more chili paste and mushrooms and we would have liked it; not sure if any of our dinner guests would agree (especially with our brainstorming about black fungus).

My beef and broccoli was a little too salty; I was too liberal with the soy sauce (even though it was reduced sodium) in the marinade. Maybe I'll replace it with rice vinegar next time.

More on Netflix

I also am in love with Netflix. Yesterday, while The Pedant was out at some boring (TP would interject, "NO! Not Boring! Just boring for others!") brunchy thing, I was left to assemble 4 Ikea Chairs, a Crate and Barrel Outlet Bookcase and assorted other things and watch 4 episodes of The Gilmore Girls from Netflix. It was a good time had by all. See, the beauty of Netflix is that I am not committed to a series at a time. I started my GG Fun Fest (TM) from the library where I would wait (impatiently, I may add) for the season to be available at the library and then get 22 episodes to watch in a week (3 if I was able to renew). Now that's a lot of mother-daughter fast talking. Netflix is brilliant in that it allows me only one disc at a time therefore I am not committed to start getting all the story lines confused. Hooray!

In other news, I adore Trader Joe's Fake Meatballs. They made a fantastic dinner last night and will be an even more fantastic lunch today! Yay!

Yum!

The Sherbs's eggplant and TVP cutlet casserole (or was it a terrine?) in Parma style, was fabulous. I'll eat pretty much anything breaded in tomato sauce with cheese on top, but the dish was beyond the usual parmadelicious.

I made salad. It was also good, but not as incredible. Veggies go in bowl, dressing gets made out of vinegar, oil, mustard, garlic, and sweetener, dressing goes on veggies. Four minutes, tops.

We had wine with dinner in our Grey Ghost Winery glasses. Because we are in Virginia, and therefore must celebrate Confederate guerilla fighters.

Sloppy Joseph

My mother makes sloppy joes by mixing ground protein (sometimes it's veggie) with ketchup, mustard, and a spice blend.

Other people use Dr. Pepper, hot sauce, and tomato paste. It doesn't sound too bad, although it might be more of a risk with textured vegetable protein than the ketchup/mustard recipe.

Mario Batali Would Be Jealous of My Italian Food Skills

Enough about other silly things like growing up. Let's talk about what we really want to hear about: food.

Last night I had an adventure in cooking. I have been having boring lunches that leave me hungry and unsatisfied. Since I work a lot, dinner is often pushed to the wayside since I get home late and don't want to eat too much before bed. So, lunch is a big meal for me, also because I often don't eat until 7ish. The last few weeks I had been taking boring salads with boring proteins. But yesterday I got real and made a Polenta Lasagna.

And I tasted some last night, and it was good.

The Pedant sent me a recipe from a newspaper a few months ago for a polenta-sausage lasagna. So I made something similar, and added more veggies, less cheese, and less polenta. But, the outcome: a lasagna-esque (it's too saucy and not layered enough to be a real lasagna cheese, added mushrooms in a bit of balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. Then I cut up a round of ) deliciousness. I started by roasting a thinly sliced eggplant (we all know I like those) . Then I made a tomato sauce with veggie crumbles. Then I cracked some egg whites in the ricotta, garlic powder, salt, pepper and oregano. Then I sauteed briefly some protebellopolenta into slices. Then I got to layer, which is always fun.

The result: deliciousness. Granted, there wasn't enough to bind it together as a lasagna outside of the dish, but it tastes good. Next time: more polenta, more veggie crumbles. Oooo...maybe I'll make a layer of crumbles.

Later: Adventures in smoothie making!

More on Krispy Kremeburgers

So, after last night's post about the amazing wheat doughnut, and its possibilities as a bun for hamburgers, I lay in bed thinking about how to try to make the whole concept palatable to the Sherbs, who is right now ill and not thinking very much about food, but even on the best of days does not appreciate a food for pure decadence.

Or foods involving suet, for that matter. (Thank you Emeril for having an example of something the Sherbs would never, ever eat).

Anyway, I was thinking about the bacon-cheeseburger on a whole wheat Krispy Kreme, and I thought - maybe I can make it a veggie bacon cheeseburger! I know Morningstar Farms has a tasty veggie burger (and, in fact, they have one in cheddar flavor if you don't want to add cheese) and also makes veggie bacon.

If you don't use the cheddar-flavored burger, you'd need to use American cheese, as real cheese will fight with the flavor of the doughnut glaze.

As for other toppings, I'm wrought. I like my burgers with onion, tomato, and condiments, but I don't know how they'd go with wheat doughnuts. Maybe Heinz 57 sauce would work - it's like ketchup, but with garlic powder and more raisins.

Well, now I'm hungry.

Worth Apostasy and Death? Maybe.

The new ballpark food from Illinois, the deep-fried cheeseburger, sounds heart-stopping, as well as seriously not kosher.

But it also sounds delicious.

Sherbs, would you try a Boca version?

Mmm...Feat...

When I was 11 going on 12, I became a vegetarian. (I still am, in fact, with a short interlude when I ate chicken and turkey in college.) My parents thought this was ok, but my mother, in classic my mother, said: "Do what you want Sherbs, but I'm not cooking a special dinner for you. You'll eat what I make." So I learned to become a non-crazy vegetarian. That is the kind that "real" vegetarians cringe at: I eat things cooked in meat, soups with a meat stock, things that are touching meat, etc. As a kid, my mom basically stuck a veggie burger in the same pan of chicken. And I ate it. And enjoyed it.

Although, when I became a vegetarian, my family was opened up to the world of textured vegetable protein. Now, since my ancestral home is kosher, we could have cheese on taco night! And peperoni pizza! And bacon cheeseburgers! And turkey and cheese sandwiches! (My father always likes to say that he's treifing it up. I always make fun of him for saying that every time.) I then, in my infinite punniness, labeled these delicacies "Feat" from "fake meat." (See what I did--I took the F from fake and the Eat from meat and...oh never mind, it's cute!)

All this talk about TSP brings me to my lunch: (fake) Beef and Broccoli. And although I haven't eaten real beef and broccoli in at least a decade, it was quite tasty. I dredged the feat in corn starch, soy sauce and hot and spicy Szechuan and sauce, browned them, and then sauteed onionsbroccoli (duh) and cooked it all together. Mmmmm...

Breakfast "Burritos"

I had a "quesadilla" for breakfast today (as well as some bran muffins). It was a flour tortilla with a mix of edam and cheddar inside.

It got me to thinking about the breakfast burrito made by the deli across from my workplace. It's basically scrambled eggs with pico de gallo mixed in laid on top of American cheese slices in a tortilla shell. I think I could do better, but I've just been lazy.

Sherbs and I, when we cook breakfast together, often make frittata. But I think the burrito concept has merit, too. I'd add some more onion (both green and white), veggie crumbles, and mushrooms. Also better cheese.

Today's Lunch - It's Got Okra!

Lunch today:

1. one packet kosher instant ramen, prepared my usual way - smash in bag, pour into bowl for microwaving;
2. four whole frozen okra, added to bowl of ramen
3. handful of frozen corn, added to bowl
4. handful of veggie crumbles, added to bowl
5. add water
6. microwave for maybe five minutes, starting at 3:30 and then just smacking the "add 30 seconds" button until it looks like it's sufficiently boiling
7. stir in ramen sauce packet

It was tasty.