When Life Gives You Lemons, Sue the Guy Who Sold You the "Apple Orchard" For Fraud

I thought I lost my driver's license today.

I didn't notice it until I was doing some online banking and realized a bird had pooped straight into my open wallet while I was at the ATM. Then, when cleaning said wallet, I saw my driver's license was missing.

Fortunately, it had fallen mere feet from my desk.

I am not sure there are any life lessons I can take from this.

Curiously Strong...

One of my (relatively) new obsessions:

Altoid Peppermints that are dipped in Dark Chocolate. I wait for the glorious boredom time in the afternoon with bated (bad) breath when I can indulge myself with the chocolate goodness, the minty freshness, the excitement that stems from the curiously strong mint.

And then I wait 5 more minutes and pop a second one, cause I'm bored again. I've been slipping and having one in the AM pre-lunch too. My excuse: coffee breath. Gross.

A Letter

Dear 100 Calorie Packs,

You started with just Nabisco treats, and I enjoyed each lite bite. But now you've branched out: cookies, snack foods, Doritos, Cheetos, and the pretzel pack I munched for lunch. It's amazing. Thank you for being so tasty and so portioned and so fun.

Your loving eater,

Sherbs

Square Patties

It seems that the product of fast food tycoon and orphan cause philanthropist Dave Thomas may not long survive him; Wendy's is considering selling itself due to poor earnings.

I'm of two minds about this. On one hand, Wendy's makes some of the better-quality burgers out there, even on their dollar menu. Also: chili on the dollar menu.

However, Wendy's has long tried my patience by making up words for seemingly no apparent reason. They called their Frosty® beverages "soquids" because they were part liquid and part solid, instead of calling them colloids or suspensions, the more chemically accurate (and less gratingly inane) terms. Click here for a link that agrees with me. They make "Frescata®" sandwiches on ciabatta bread, despite the fact that "Frescata" is not a word, does not in fact describe ciabatta or any sort of sandwich, and, to some ears, sounds like a Fresca smoothie.

Apparently, Frescata was keeping Wendy's going last year, as nobody was buying the $1 junior bacon cheeseburgers, which is a sad expression of our misplaced values.

Also, why is edamame in everything now? They're just soybeans.

Summer Movie Recap I and Books

This is a two-part post.

Part the First: Movie Recap

I saw Knocked Up (re: movie post). It was amazing. Perhaps now the world will realize the true beauty of geeky, sweet, well-meaning, slightly overweight, curly-haired, sweet Nice Jewish Boys (NJBs). Perhaps the best line in the movie:
Tall Pretty Blond Shiksa: I like your [curly] hair! Do you use any products?
NJB: No. It's just Jew.

It was even more fun to see Smel, Stoner and El.

Part the Second: Books

Both The Pedant and I are avid readers. We often talk about our respective commutes as boring, but a good excuse to read. Annie already talked about the books she wants to read this summer, so perhaps I will also.

I just spent a good 30 minutes going through the only paper worth reading to decide which books to request at the public library. I then had another page open to request such books.

I just started Marjorie Morningstar by Herman Wouk last night and am loving it. My mother has been telling me I should read it for the past 6 or 7 years, when the area in question became a part of my life, but I ignored her. Foolish me! It's great! I really want to get a time machine and live in NYC in the 1950s. It seems so glamorous. And I love Marsha.

Yesterday I also finished The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It was also wonderful. It made me appreciate my flip outs and be glad my parents aren't crazy. Highly recommend.

Next up: Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison, and then Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld.

Moooovies

Yes, this blog is about food and the like, but in regards to this article today, I decided I wanted to blog about summer movies because 1) I like movies, 2) it's my blog and I get to do what I want, and 3) 1-2 movies are about food.

So, here is a round up of movies this summer I want to see and why:

Shrek the Third (May 18): OK, OK, I have seen this, but it was great. I am a sucker for animated movies, comedies, Mike Myers and well, anything with Julie Andrews.

Knocked Up (June 1): Let it be known, I knew the comic genius of Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen from Freaks and Geeks not just the 40-Year Old Virgin. And I'm seeing it tonight!

Evan Almighty (June 22): Bible Movie + Steve Carrell + Lauren Graham + Animals = A Must See (although chances are, like many of these films, I will rent it because I'm cheap and lazy)

Ratatouille (June 29): Since seeing the preview for it during Cars, The Pedant and I looked at each other and said: This is our kind of movie! So I'm super excited!!

License to Wed (July 4): In fact, it looks bad, but I am also a sucker for chick flicks and loved MM in Saved, and the title is appropriate. Perhaps I will save this for a rental list one lonely Saturday when TP hangs out with his friends.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 14): Uh, need I say more? Stoner and I have a date to see it at midnight.

Hairspray (July 20): About a fat girl who hates racism and the popular snobs. I loved the original, the musical and another reason to make fun of Travolta. And the music is catchy.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (July 20): Although I'm not sure if it will turn out OK, I do adore Adam Sandler very, very much. I'm just afraid he will disappoint me with another Little Nicky.

No Reservations (July 27): It looks horribly chick flick-y, but the guy from Thank You For Smoking is in it, and it has to do with food, indirectly. TP and I have a date all planned out!

The Simpsons Movie (July 27): This movie screams SEE ME!

The Ten (Aug 3): It looks OK from what I can tell, but again Bible themed movie for me to make fun of...

The Nanny Diaries (Sept 7): Chances are, I won't see it, because the book was abysmal, but it's a chick flick, and I did eventually see the Devil Wears Prada for a similar reason...that turned out to be good, though. My guess: They changed around the story lines from the book.

Movies I have no desire to see:

Hostel 2: Gross
1408: Ditto. Even if John was really good in High Fidelity
Surfs Up: It usually would speak to me: Animated film, penguins doing non-penguin things, but no, no desire.
Transformers: Sorry, I'm just not that geeky.

Who Moos?

Last night for supper, The Pedant joined in a family ritual: Israeli food and guessing how many falafel balls my dad can eat. He wasn't supposed to witness this top-secret event (which takes place a few times a decade) but thanks to a weather-related problem, he witnessed it.

My mother had decided to get humus from Costco, so we needed to eat it around a meal, which is exactly what we did. We supplemented it with falafel, Moroccan eggplant, Israeli Salad, tabouli and an assortment of pickles and olives (only the 2 former I enjoy...). Then, my mom made a really tasty cold minted pea soup, which was tasty and green!

Dinner of Israeli food = good
My dad eating 8-10 falafel balls = normal (!!)
Lunch of leftover humus and Moroccan Eggplant = AMAZING

Registration Time, Come On!

So the Sherbs and I are registering for things for an upcoming wedding in which we are both involved. We decided, through consultation with the elders of our tribe, to register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (which I always like to say as if I'm Buzz Lightyear, and you should too, because I'm an awesome trend-setter like that) and Fortunoff's.

NOTE: If in the super-unlikely chance the mood is hitting you right now to buy us stuff, please wait about a week. We're still cleaning up redundancies between the two lists and you could end up getting something at one location when we really wanted something off the other list at the other location.

Anyway, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, despite being a very good store, has a sadistic registry process. If you look online, everything that's cool has been discontinued. At the store, most of the stuff is okay, although the hand-held registry scanner made a number of disturbing "limited issue" warnings during my scanning. At Fortunoff's, things that are going out have little stickers that tell you not to register. Also, those things tend to be crystal American flag salt and pepper shakers.

Which brings me to my second topic: Lladró figurines. Basically, they're the highest class of porcelain statuettes; the upper-class version of those figurines of angels protecting firefighters that Chesapeake Knife and Tool used to sell along with movie replica swords before (unsurprisingly) going out of business. While most of them are of Thomas Hardy-era pastoral scenes (through the madding porcelain crowd) or of people getting married, or of Jesus, there's also a large number of naked women in porcelain.

Who is filling their houses with porcelain statuettes of naked women? It's one thing when they're, you know, vintage. But, since the end of the pin-up, it's just kind of creepy.

Another Breakfast Concept

Today's breakfast: sliced strawberries, fat-free Greek yogurt, and honey. I was looking for a light meal.

Strongly recommend.

McYummy

Since moving home for an interim period, I have been giving myself more time to eat breakfast. Also, because I'm leaving for work an hour earlier, so that's more time between breakfast and lunch. So I've been having fun experimenting with eggs and cardboard cereal (not together...yet...). Today was the best meal yet:

1 Whole Grain English Muffin
1/2 slice Swiss cheese (all we had left...mom: go shopping!)
1 fried egg with a runny yolk that's not too runny
1 "Sausage" Patty
A little "butter"

The result: AMAZING. It was a party in my mouth. Take that "Continental french" breakfast!

Morning Concepts

Honestly, despite my capitalism-loving neoconservative outside, I should have been born French (and not just because I wouldn't mind working only thirty-five hours a week).

It's also because, even though I rush too much in the morning to do it (I guess I could wake up earlier, but that would ruin my wonderful quality of sleep), I was thinking on the way to work that what I'd really like for breakfast is a plate of sliced crunchy fruits and an assortment of cheeses. Some Fuji apples, some pears, maybe even some jicama, and then some edam, muenster, and maybe gouda cheese.

Not grapes. I really can't eat grapes unless they are chilled and crisp, and not wrinkly at all. I have a total OCD thing about grapes.

A Sweet Letter

Dear Splenda,

Thank you for making a tasty and delicious sugar/sucralose blend. It is oh so tasty and good for me too! This is fantastic news!

This morning, I put one teaspoon on the brown sugar blend on my healthy cardboard cereal and it was instantly great!

Will you marry me?

Love,

Sherbs

The Always Snack

If I haven't mentioned it before (and I think I haven't), I've been remiss: I have a hummus-based snack on a regular basis when I can't think of anything else to eat (and my food aphasia is a post for another day). It's very tasty, and I recommend it to everyone (except the Sherbs, who strongly dislikes tomatoes):

• sliced bread (usu. toasted)
• hummus
• sliced tomatoes

I eat the whole thing open face, because I'm really all about the hummus and tomato (and the bread is just a foundation), but now that I'm reading this and thinking about it, I think the addition of sliced green onion would go well, too. With a lot of effort (and Bobby Flay-level plating skills), it would make a classy hors d'œuvres on thin crackers.

Ah Crud!

I totally signed up for Script Frenzy in mid-May, when I thought, "dude, it's June, my boss is out to Europe for weeks, do I have anything better to do?"

Actually, I do. Not just things like making sure my bar memberships are paid up, but I also have a wedding to plan. So, like National Novel Writing Month, I am sure, even on this June 2, that I will not get much done.

If my script does get written, I'll let you know.

Ok, it's time. The last few weeks have been increasingly boring, and I'm sure our small readership has plummeted to an even smaller number due to the heavier work loads of your amazing bloggers. So I will give you a subject everyone adores:

Martinis!

I personally love chocolate martinis. Why? Because it's a great deal of alcohol that doesn't taste at all like alcohol. And it's absurdly sweet, which is a qualifier for anything yummy to go in my tummy. I also recently had a tasty variation.

Recently I have been visiting many, many places in order to host a very fancy and classy (because that's the only way TP and I roll) affair and the new fad: Martini Bars. I have no problem with this idea, and am quite looking forward to it. However, I wonder about the recent fascination with Martinis. Could it be a relatively new fad of having Cosmos because of Sex and the City? Could it be the crazy variations of the types of liquor you could put in it? Could it be the super fancy and spill-prone glasses they are in?